For some it is now the time to focus on the tradition of New Year’s Resolutions. I must say however that I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions because… I don’t usually wait for the New Year to decide to do something important. If I can identify something that needs changing, I usually try to do something about it in a timely fashion.
Perhaps I link the New Year’s Resolution thing with the boyfriend and midnight thing and realize that neither point have ever lived up to their “hype.” In the girl-world resolutions usually mean dieting and New Year’s means anticipating midnight kisses with the tolling of the clock. In my memory such things don’t usually live up to the drama portrayed in popular culture. Being the realist that I am, I create my own dynamics.
Yet, I have been trying to wrap my mind around one thing and become more prepared with it. That is; the First Board Quarter and the following progression to Student Clinic. It all has sounded quite overwhelming to me. Primarily because I work hard enough with regular classes to, in my sane mind, choose to add a Board Exam onto the load! And so, this past quarter has had me do a lot of soul searching.
This is what I may have discovered… actually I know that I have discovered it. Are you ready? It is this; I am not Superwoman! Kinda disappointing isn’t it? I must say; Superwoman is pure fantasy! I’ve learned that I do have limits and I that I do pay the price for overworking. To date I’ve pulled all the rabbits I have out of my hat. I’ve done all the planning, the visioning, the hoping, the praying and the working that one can do. I’ve bought all the books, made all the note cards and have done my best to talk my daughter into going to bed early every night…(she won’t)…It’s time I recognize the reality - I have a few limits! ! ! !
God knows how hard it was for me to come to this conclusion!!! And the reason is this; denial is useful! Denial can keep the truth of vulnerability at bay. Denial of one’s weaknesses can keep the warrior going strong.
And it’s true that the warrior has been going on strongly here and now needs to pause to scope out the next mountain. I feel like Qui-Gon Jinn in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace as he knelt before the invisible energy shield that barricaded him from the evil Sith pacing on the opposite side.
He seemed to pause to gather his strength and determination just as I am. Unfortunately, in the end, the hero Qui-Gon fell to the Sith. Obi-Wan Kenobi was unable to rescue him. Perhaps it was his fate. Pause to honor a fallen hero.
Photo from Wookieepedia, The Star Wars Wiki
Hmmm, it kinda makes the mountain look a bit higher and colder doesn’t it?
Well, there is one difference between Qui-Gon Jinn and I (besides the fact that I am not a hero). The difference is this; I will choose to create a situation in which I will not fail. Qui-Gon did not have time to set up a successful environment – the Sith was there and he had no choice but to follow through. I have a choice.
After much soul searching and measuring of my capacity and responsibilities I have decided to accept what is (the part where I am not Superwoman). My responsibilities as a mother are not to be set aside. My responsibilities to my health are not to be forgotten. Pacing my day, studies and responsibilities are critical to my success.
My plan is this; to take a class load that will be successful for me in my First Board Quarter. It is true that my class load will be different than another student’s. That’s ok. I will do what I must do to succeed. Success occurs differently for each student. My accomplishments are not to be measured to another individual’s, only to my goals and capacity.
Soon I will be putting my blinders on and tuning out as many distractions as possible for the next several months. I will pace myself and know what keeps me strong and what takes my energy down. And most importantly I will accept myself for who I am and therefore be successful. Yes, there will be study sessions with fellow students as well as alone. Hopefully there will be lots of good sleep, healthy food, regular chiropractic checks and…more than a few prayers. I know I cannot climb this Mount Everest alone. Everyone needs a buddy or two on the road. So, regardless of the New Year, my resolution is this…to succeed.
